Trials and Tribulations and Testing, Oh my!

Pro 17:3  The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the LORD tests hearts. 

Zec 13:9  And I will put [them] into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, 'They are my people'; and they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'" 

Heb 12:5-6  And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.  For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."

John 15:19-20  If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.

2 Tim 3:12  Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, 

Isa 48:10  Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. 

James 1:2-3  Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 

     Isn't it interesting that the Bible is clear that Christians will go through hard times, but that these times are used for our good, purifying us and drawing us closer to God? And yet, most of the time when we hit the slightest bump in the road we say "Oh, God must be closing this door for me. Time to wait for Him to open a more convenient window."
     Of course sometimes God does "close doors", and quite emphatically, but maybe, just maybe, other times He wants to go through even if its hard, because we'll come out the other side the better for it.

Stupid Little Things

      My boyfriend and I were out driving to a place we had never been before. He hates driving and I'm awful with directions, so I drove and he was navigator. It was supposed to be easy. Google maps had us take an exit, take a right turn, then that road supposedly just turned into another road and poof! Our destination would be on the right. But is that how it worked out? Of course not.
     We got the exit alright, we turned right alright, we were on the road we were supposed to be on, but did it change names into the next road? No. It turned into a grocery store parking lot. Before we knew it we were somewhere around Delmar trying to find our way through St. Louis back to the interstate so we could start over.
     "Should I turn around?" I asked.
     "No, just turn here and it should lead us down a parallel road and get us back to where we got lost."
Did it? Of course not. It lead into a maze of tiny subdivisions and within minutes we were hopelessly lost. My iPhone wouldn't recognize our location, so he got on Google maps and was trying to zoom in close enough to find what tiny subdivision roads we were on so we could get back. As he wrestled with my phone I resignedly drove through the rain past quaint old little houses trying to read road names through my furiously wiping wipers.
    I couldn't help thinking as I drove along how our driving situation was analogous to our dating situation. Why? Because my brain thinks in analogies. You see, he and I had been dating a year and a half, and what had started out as true love had aged rapidly to dissatisfied old couple. He was stressed, I was insecure and nagging and I had no clue how we had reached that point, and no clue how to get out of it without dumping him. In my mind, our relationship was basically lost, but I just kept driving along resignedly, because after a year and a half what else are you going to do? We'd already fought and promised to be better and fought some more, and all the while just kept getting more and more lost. I didn't know where we went wrong and I certainly didn't know how to make it right again.

The first rule of being lost is remembering where you've been. You can't just decide where you're going to go if you don't know where you are, and you can't know where you are without remembering where you've been. And if you can't remember where you've been, then you're screwed.

     Unless you have an eagle scout reading a map, which thankfully I did, and we were able to reach our destination. Physically that is, metaphorically we were still pretty lost. It's funny how stupid little things can turn into big, ugly things. Like my insecurity about my appearance. I have a big nose and a less than curvaceous figure, but I knew I couldn't change that, so I began to subconsciously obsess on the thing I could change. At 125 lbs and 5' 7", I definitely shouldn't be worrying about my weight. I know the statistics, I'm on the bottom edge of healthy and I know it.  Yet somehow when I look into the mirror I feel fat. Somehow when I sit down and see that extra bit of skin around my middle I want to stop eating for a week. I know it is crazy, and I normally eat a bunch of chocolate to combat the feeling, but it's still hovering in the back of my head. Am I a well-controlled anorexic? Am I going mental? It's stupid, it's silly really that I should be concerned about my weight, but combined with a not-complementary boyfriend, my insecurity grew.
      As for my boyfriend, he has troubles with worry. He worried about the craziest things, and I never really thought he was serious. As he progressively became more stressed and unable to have fun or even sleep normal amounts I realized something very important. If someone is worried about something ridiculous, it doesn't mean they are laughable, it means they need help. And by questioning why we weren't having fun anymore and blaming all our relationship issues and my insecurities on him, I certainly wasn't helping. I was making him retreat emotionally and get all bottled up, which helped neither his stress nor my self-image issues as he became more distant from me.
     So what did we do? We pulled over and asked for directions from people who had the maturity and experience to help us figure out where we stood. We still have yet to make a plan of where we are going from here, but realizing how we got where we are is a big step towards getting on the right path. Maybe it took so long for us to admit what was wrong was because we didn't want to admit to ourselves that we had such deep issues over such crazy things. Never underestimate the damage a stupid little thing can cause, because that is exactly how they cause their damage. The fly under the radar and are allowed to grow unchecked because they scoffed at as insignificant until they have turned into big ugly problems. Often they are the guise for much deeper issues, so next time you notice yourself or your friend consistently making detrimental comments, even in jest, don't just shrug it off. And don't be afraid to open up to your friends and family. You are not alone.

Sharing isn't easy

     It's funny how some things really hit home with you. One day you'll find a song, or a book, or a wildflower or something that speaks to you, something so amazing or beautiful that you are nearly overwhelmed by it, so you share it with a friend. I don't know about you, but one of two things usually happens to me. 
A) They scoff and call it "sappy" or are in other terms generally very unimpressed with it, 
or,
B) They LOVE it and GUSH over it and OH MY GOSH SO PRETTY! 

And suddenly, your precious discovery is ruined.

      It wasn't just "cute" to you, and it certainly didn't strike you as sappy; you connected with it on a deep level. But no one else seemed to have that experience. And what was peerless to you has now been soaked in a muddy splash from the judging car your friends drove past it and your delicate flower is left to wilt. And after a while you just stop sharing your wonderful little discoveries and keep them to yourself. Crazy as it is, you might even try to hide them. You know deep down they aren't really as perfect as you think they are, but you love them and you don't want any snide remarks to ruin your image of them.

     This can happen with much more than just songs. Sometimes while reading the Bible or stewing over an argument in my head suddenly a great piece of wisdom or a life lesson will suddenly become clear to me. I had known the mere words of it from time out of mind, but in an instant of revelation I truly understand them for the first time. When this first started happening I would rush to a friend or family member and tell them of this life-altering discovery, and they would just smile and nod. Either my inarticulate enthusiasm didn't magically inspire in them the same deep understanding of the "common knowledge", or else they had already understood it for quite a while. And once again, this deep connection I have is passed by unappreciated by the rest of the world as if it were something petty or common.
   
 It may seem crazy, but often this is enough to make me start doubting myself. Maybe I have bad taste in music, maybe I'm dumb for not figuring out these life lessons sooner, maybe I really am shallow and kitschy. In any case, it's clearly worthless for me to continue sharing my discoveries. It doesn't help anyone else and it depresses me.

      But then I will read something that explains something normal just a bit differently than I've heard it before, and everything clicks into place in my mind again and I understand it fully for the first time instead of just knowing it. Whoever wrote it didn't see the world the way everyone else did, she saw it the way I did, and she articulated for me something I could have never discovered by myself. Surely there is someone else like me out there, and maybe, just maybe, someday I could help them make a beautiful discovery too. If I could help just one person understand an idea better by looking at it from a slightly different angle, it would be worth all the criticism and and blank stares I get from everyone else who just doesn't get the way I think.

    I have no intention of criticizing anyone else's way of viewing the world. Even if we were all to come to the same conclusion we would reach it through a billion different paths, and there is no saying one path is better than the other. In fact, we all can benefit by being around those different than us to broaden our understanding. But sometimes you just want to be understood, and that is best achieved in finding someone whose way of thinking is closest to our own. However, without risking sharing what is closest to you, you can never find out who those people are. So take a chance and share something that is precious to you. I guarantee most people won't appreciate it the same way you do, but if it is truly worthy of appreciation then the opinions of other's doesn't really matter. And who knows, you might just find a "kindred spirit".

And of course, if you want to, comment! I'm not here to rant into thin air, and most of what I write about is of an exploratory nature. Discussion is welcome!