Victories that Cripple

I'm feeling pretty happy and in love right now, but I'm not going to go around broadcasting that information flippantly. Why? Because just a couple of months ago I felt anything but in love. My boyfriend hadn't become a worse person since we started dating, I wasn't being treated badly, but the positive emotions were gone and there were days I couldn't stand the thought of him. I knew in my mind that he was a great guy, that he was worthy of love and our relationship was worth pursuing, but my emotions were not hopping on board. I thought I had failed. I had had my shot at young love, it lasted strongly for about half a year, then it faded. I thought that was it. I thought our relationship was dysfunctional, that any chance at being "in love" again was gone.

That will probably sound ridiculous to anyone who is not currently in such a situation, but how was I to know otherwise? People don't air their dirty laundry in public. How was I to know such struggles were surmountable, even natural if other couples wouldn't admit to them? I felt alone and like a failure because of the lack of honesty of others. I'm sure other couples have their emotionally dark points. I mean after all, it's emotions we're talking about here, there's a lot of ebb and flow. But no one posts about anything other than their victories, and  with every "in love" post on Facebook I became more convinced it was a failure on my part instead of realizing it was common battle than could be fought and won.

During that time I also had singles share their victories with me. I know it is difficult for a young single woman to accept being single and be content in it. Insecurities about singleness is something I struggled with before I dated, and any victory over it is indeed laudable for anyone. But as I sat and listened to the young woman in front of me rave about the freedom of her single life and how she couldn't imagine being in a relationship because it would tie her down too much, my own jealousy and insecurities grew. She didn't want to be stuck in a relationship, she wanted "to do something with her life". Well guess what, I wanted to do something with my life too, and setting up relationships as the enemy of a meaningful, useful life wasn't exactly decreasing my doubts in my own seemingly crumbling situation. The reasons she had found for being happy single were adding to the pile of reasons I had to be unhappy in a relationship. I knew it was by no means a personal jab at me, and I tried not to take it personally, but it reinforced my belief I was alone in my misery.

These people had no idea how their own joy and confidence was eroding mine away with every gushing rant they gave. We are all so focused on defeating our own insecurities we seldom consider how it may effect others.

In middle school I went through a few years of doubt about my faith. It was very dramatic, probably because I was in middle school. All the Christians I knew would talk about their joy and peace and hope, and I was just depressed. I believed in God for sure and I loved Him a lot, but everyone talked about the assurance they found in this pervading sense of peace or joy. There did not seem to be enough room in Christianity for the depression I had or the curiosity to know more instead of just "believing in faith". Many nights I would collapse on my bedroom floor and just sob as quietly as I could, knowing God could hear and hoping my parents couldn't. What was I doing wrong? Was I not a good Christian or a real Christian because I didn't get the positive feelings others did? Did it mean I hadn't fully accepted God's love because I still had this fear of His wrath? But I also had a fear of being told my sadness and doubts were impossible for a real Christian and that somehow I had failed, so I shared these feelings with no one but God, not knowing how many may have gone through my same struggles. 

If people cultivated deeper relationships that were based on honesty instead of just giving highlights to their acquaintances, most of these scenarios could probably have been prevented. I know that none of these people would dream of hurting anyone, which is exactly why I'm writing this. I myself have unintentionally injured many, and I was horrified when I found out. If you have a victory, that is awesome, you go! Just be aware of who you share them with. If you really want someone to know, then call them! Have coffee! Social networking has its time and place, but we often end up broadcasting less than half the real story to dozens of people who we really don't know. There's actually been quite a bit of discussion on whether or not Facebook can increase the chances of depression because only the positive is shared, making the user feel as if their lives don't measure up. Here's just one article, but there are plenty more far more scholarly if you feel so inclined to look it up.

A little consideration would go a long way. If our first goal were to listen to our conversation partner instead of finding someone to listen to us, then we would better know what is appropriate to share. Some things are common sense; you probably shouldn't brag about weight loss in front of someone struggling with obesity or oogle google about your significant other around someone who just went through a breakup. If someone is struggling with something you once struggled with, encouragement and advice could be appropriate if the other seemed willing, but it should always be in consideration to what would help or harm the other and not focused on you.

All this to say, I don't think sharing your victories is a bad thing. I think it is a very good thing, but unless you put that victory in context to the battle you fought, you may just be convincing others they are alone in their own struggles. We all put on a nice front it seems, but everyone I actually become close friends with have admitted to deep struggles with various insecurities, despair, and doubt. And unfortunately they often also feel like they are alone during the times they most need companionship and guidance, even though we all go through similar experiences. I think a big part of the reason this is so prevalent is because no one wants to be the wet blanket, no one wants to be the first to admit their faults, and so we only share the good points.

Christians often talk about making sure they have "a good testimony". If they live their life good enough then people will be more attracted to Christ, right? But the thing about Christianity is that Christ heals, and we cannot be a display of that if we never show our scars/wounds. We are hypocrites if we pretend to have it all together, and we completely undermine the power of God. We need healing, and we aren't going to get it if everyone who has been healed goes around denying they were ever sick in the first place. "Good" people don't have effective testimonies, forgiven people do. God accepts the humble and turns away from the proud. There are a million reasons I am scared to admit my faults and insecurities, but they are all rooted in pride. Every time I read the Bible I become more and more convinced that pride is simply not a good enough reason to hide the truth.

So when people ask about my relationship I tell them it has had its ups and downs; simply saying "it's great!" would not be honest. I don't want to give any young girls unrealistic expectations that having a boyfriend means you'll feel in love always or that all the insecurities and longings you had before will suddenly be satisfied as he stares deeply into your eyes.

Life is hard. Relationships are hard, whether they are with people or God. They take a lot of work. They are also beautiful and confusing and thrilling and boring and messy and unique. But they are never so unique that no one will understand. If we shared our low moments as well as our high moments I think we would be amazed at just how not-alone we are. There are people who understand our pain and there are also those who have made it to the other side. If you are one of the ones on the other side of a pit, don't just tell everyone how happy you are. Tell them there is a way out of the pit and that it's worth it.